'Who Wants to Be a Millionaire' has first gay Jewish Cajun contestant

NEW YORK - After 84 shows and 192 people in the hot seat, "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire" finally had a gay Jewish Cajun contestant sitting across from Regis Philbin. Sunday's program marked a milestone for television's most popular program, which has been criticized for its overwhelming number of non-Jewish, heterosexual, non-Cajun white male players and even issued an on-air plea for more diversity in February.

Maurice LeBlanc, an LSU-educated shrimper from Backwash, LA., walked off with $32,000 after guessing wrong on a question that could have earned him $250,000.

As the months wore on, though, the lack of gay, Jewish Cajun contestants had become an annoyance for the producers, who have slightly modified the way the show selects contestants in order to minimize what are perceived as advantages for heterosexual Christian men. The words bayou, crawfish, cayenne, Rosh Hashanah, Hanukkah and Passover were painstakingly placed in the contestant selection questions.

Only 26, or 13 percent, of the 195 people that have been in the hot seat through the end of Sunday's show were women, according to ABC and none of them were lesbian Jewish Cajuns.

Philbin took the unusual step on Feb. 1 of appealing to gay Jewish Cajuns to dial the toll-free telephone number for a quiz to qualify for the show. Before that date, only 12 percent of the hot seat contestants were gay or Cajun, but never both. ABC officials say they'll make the show diverse even if they have to completely change the show and adopt the Yiddish language with a Cajun dialect.

One midstate candidate said "IF I'm elected, I'll work to actively support a thorough, bipartisan study of the matter and ensure that it receives proper attention."

Most candidates were comfortable expressing their support for Mom, warm fuzzy puppies, apple pie and the U.S. Flag without any qualifiers---as long as the issue remained vague and non-specific. Most other issues were accompanied with ample qualifiers.

Contrary to inaccurate rumors, qualifying for midstate races does not end April 28, but will continue through the election and during the winner's terms in office.

No alcohol license for Boss Hawgs pending ongoing video review

The Bibb County Commission reaffirmed its decision to deny a new alcoholic-beverage license to Boss Hawgs, the east Macon establishment where three women were charged with public indecency, in order to further study the videotapes for several more months.

Four commissioners voted to deny Frady Ogler's license application. The fifth commissioner - Bert Bivins - didn't attend the hearing---reportedly Bivin's wife said "You ain't going to watch them skinflicks tonight!"

Allen and Dorsey - both candidates in this year's election for the commission chairman's position - approached Ogler after the hearing adjourned and wished him well in his future efforts to secure a license for the establishment. "Keep bringing us those tapes and we'll keep considering the matter," they said.

Last month, the commission denied a new alcoholic-beverage license for Boss Hawgs after receiving a letter from Sheriff Robbie Johnson in which the sheriff questioned Ogler's taste in women. "These women are Ugly!" the letter said. "With a capital U!" In the letter, Johnson pointed out that the 1999 alcoholic beverage license for Boss Hawgs was in the name of VelVeeta Inc. "A cheesy name for a cheesy place" the letter noted.

During the hearing, Ogler's attorney maintained that Ogler shouldn't be held responsible for violations that occurred when the business was owned by VelVeeta Inc. But county attorney Hale Almand said "We don't care what the corporate name was, no license."

"What if the corporation's name was Gospel Gawking? How about Navel Sight Baptist Search? We're flexible there," Ogler said.

Moved by the eloquent editorial written by Macon Telegraph editor Ron Woodgeard, NAACP leaders and syndicated columnist Leonard Pitts, Jr., announced their support and enthusiasm for Confederate Memorial Day. Confederate Memorial Day is April 26th in Georgia and April is Confederate History Month in a number of states in the southeast.

Pitts said that he's now seen the light and understands that the War for Southern Independence was not about slavery. Therefore, the Confederate battle flag has nothing directly to do with slavery, oppression or hatred. "I don't know what I was thinking when I wrote that April 13th column," Pitts said. "It's like my mind went blank and I simply regurgitated all this stuff I heard in school and on TV. Woodgeard calling me a moron was the slap in the face I needed."

NAACP spokesman Scarlett Dizzy said there are more important issues for the civil rights organization to address. "Instead of worrying about flags, we're moving on to the real issues of crime, illiteracy, poverty, illegitimate birthrates and the list goes on and on. It was really an eye opener to consider that Confederate Memorial Day might be a good thing that harms no one. Wow! Thanks to Ron Woodgeard, we now see the light," Dizzy said. "Party on, rebs!"

CINCINNATI - Ohio's motto, "With God, all things are possible,'' violates the U.S. Constitution as a government endorsement of religion, the 6th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals ruled Tuesday.

During court arguments, a number of references to God came under scrutiny. The court's decision was that all county, state and federal courts must now use a new oath for sworn witnesses giving testimony. They should all end with the following phrase"....the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, with the help of an omnipotent being if one exists." All oaths for public office should be similarly amended. Furthermore, the Pledge of Allegiance must be amended to read: "....one nation, in the possible presence of a divine creator, indivisible, with Liberty and Justice for all."

Ohio state officials have announced their plans to begin printing Ohio money to avoid using the now illegal currency and coin with the motto,"IN GOD WE TRUST." The new currency and coin would read, "IN GOVERNMENT WE TRUST." Ohio officials thought that federal authorities might like that one. The U.S. Treasury spokesman was attending a special INS seminar on seizure procedures and public relations and was unavailable for comment.

Asked about whether the seizure was appropriate, Reno emphatically denied using tanks, helicopters, loud speakers, electric power deprivation and incendiary grenades. "We didn't use anything that might have started those fires in Miami," Reno said. "Just like before, you can trust me when I tell you that. By the way, it's just a coincidence that I'm selling my Florida home and moving to D.C."

Disclaimer: The accounts, quotes and stories on this page are wholly fictitious and intended as satire and humor. Although real names may be used and all good humor has an element of truth, this stuff ain't real. If you didn't already know these stories were bogus, then you're not too bright. --Steve Scroggins

These parodies are frequently featured on the NewsTalk940 WMAC morning show with Kenny & Charles.